I've been struggling a lot the past 3 months or so. Let me get everyone up to speed: I took a job at a large gym as a coordinator for fitness programs. In addition to being a personal trainer, I teach group fitness classes. It's great, because I get a free gym membership and get paid to do something I'm actually pretty good at. However, it's become even more of a way for me to obsess over food and my body. I literally get paid to work out and be thin. However, the pressure comes from the gym for women to not only be thin and in good shape (duh) but to have a decent amount of muscle. Now me, being the effed up person that I am-I don't want muscle. I want to be fucking thin. I don't care if I'm 45% body fat. I want to be skinny.
It's quite interesting, because I am positive that every single trainer I work with has an ED of some sort. Even the men who are bulking and trying to pack on muscle and eat every hour...they obsess about food, how much, what kind. It's insane. I guess the reason I am so conflicted is because I assumed taking this position would help me with my body image. And what I'm learning is that there is NOTHING that can help me other than myself. And I'm OK with that. Do I want help? Hell no. I'm not ready.
Sorry for the rant...will update later.
Comments (2)
*hugs* hun. It IS weird how it works: a friend of mine is very overweight and is right now on a restricted diet and stuff, and although she thinks it's healthy, she is obsessed with things like cals, always talks about 'how skinny that person is, and how you (me) manage to eat like a 1800 cal max, why you (me) count cals" etc etc. She talks about food at least half of the time, and although she really needs to lose weight, stuff like that isn't healthy anymore, and it's even annoying me ;)
I'm beginning to wonder if there actually IS a healthy way to a toned, normal weight body...
xxx